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 Enter Here to Laugh Your Ass Off!!

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chessster

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PostSubject: Re: Enter Here to Laugh Your Ass Off!!   Tue 19 May 2009, 4:38 am

Q:Why do women live longer than men?
A:Because God adds them the time that they wasted on parking
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Sexy~Nina
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PostSubject: Re: Enter Here to Laugh Your Ass Off!!   Tue 19 May 2009, 5:15 am

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I don't remember, what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together of course.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

14. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

15. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

16. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!!

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PostSubject: Re: Enter Here to Laugh Your Ass Off!!   Tue 19 May 2009, 7:32 am

HEHHEHEHEHHEHEEEEEEEEE

LOL Nina on #15....Have you seen them shirts that guys wear and says "tell your boobs to stop staring at me!"

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PostSubject: The infamous camel joke   Tue 19 May 2009, 8:14 am

A new commander was sent to the middle east for his first tour of duty as the commander of a platoon. When he arrived there, he found everything in order except the fact a three legged camel was tied to a tent. He asked the exiting commander what the camel was there for. He explained, "The locals are very appreciative of us being here and the camel lost a leg in gunfire and really isnt much use to them for long journeys in the desert anymore, but still can carry a man and serve a purpose. They know how lonely it gets here and how men have to find a way to have sex while they are here. I was surprised at the beginning too, but the men really use the camel for sex alot and really raised morale here since they brought it, so I would suggest you consider allowing them to continue using it." Puzzled, the new commander cant believe the lengths these men would go to have sex, but decided it best to keep the camel. Each night the commander heard the camel moving around and making sounds before eventually getting quiet for a while before he heard noises again. Eventually, the camel kept the commander awake at night and couldnt get any rest at all. The commander was starting to get drawn to the camel, every sound got the now extremely horny commander wanting the camel. His urges became insatiable.
After nine months passed and the commander was about to be transferred his hunger for this camel reached the breaking point. He decided he would have to experience this camel before he left. He sent the troops on an overnight assignment so he would not be disturbed. When he saw he was alone, he found a stool next to the camel, dropped his pants and started going at the camel. The camel bucked and kicked and knocked the commander out. The troops returned as the commander was finally starting to regain consciousness. The second in command walked in the tent to see the commander dizzy, with his pants around his ankles and questioned the commander as to what happened. The commander explained, "I am leaving tomorrow and after nine months of hearing what was happening with this camel, I felt I just had to experience what made the men so happy and kept them in line. I felt it was best to have sex just once before I left so I could start my new command with a clear mind. I just cant understand how the men were able to have sex with this camel without getting knocked out."

The second in command replied, "Well, the rest of the men just use the camel for sex by riding to the town about a half mile up the road because there are women there."
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Sexy~Nina
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PostSubject: Re: Enter Here to Laugh Your Ass Off!!   Sat 23 May 2009, 4:20 am

A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?" His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."

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PostSubject: Re: Enter Here to Laugh Your Ass Off!!   Sat 23 May 2009, 4:28 am

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ... and she's always sound asleep."

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Sexy~Nina
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PostSubject: Re: Enter Here to Laugh Your Ass Off!!   Sat 23 May 2009, 4:37 am

What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
They can both smell it but can't eat it.

How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
Money. HAHaaa LMAO.... but very true
Razz
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PostSubject: Re: Enter Here to Laugh Your Ass Off!!   Sat 23 May 2009, 4:39 am

Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

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PostSubject: Re: Enter Here to Laugh Your Ass Off!!   Sat 23 May 2009, 4:43 am

Murphy's Law in Sex

1.The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

2.Nothing improves with age.

3.No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.

4.Sex has no calories.

5.Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

6.There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

7.Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.

8.No sex with anyone in the same office.

9.Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

10.A man in the house is worth two in the street.

11.If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

12.Virginity can be cured.

13.When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

14.Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

15.The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
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PostSubject: Re: Enter Here to Laugh Your Ass Off!!   Sat 23 May 2009, 4:45 am

HOW THEY HAVE SEX

ACCOUNTANTS are good with figures.

ACTORS do it on cue.

ADVERTISERS use the "new, improved" method.

AMBULANCE DRIVERS come quicker.

ANSI does it in the standard way

ARCHEOLOGISTS like it old.

ARCHITECTS have great plans.

ARTISTS are exhibitionists.

ASSEMBLY LINE WORKERS do it over and over.

ASTRONOMERS do it with Uranus.

ATTORNEYS make better motions.

AUDITORS like to examine figures.

BABYSITTERS charge by the hour.

BAILIFFS always come to order.

BAKERS knead it daily.

BAND MEMBERS play all night.

BANKERS do it with interest - penalty for early withdrawal.

BARBERS do it with shear pleasure.

BARTENDERS do it on the rocks.

BASEBALL PLAYERS make it to first base.

BASKETBALL PLAYERS score more often.

BEEKEEPERS like to eat their honey.

BEER BREWERS do it with more hops.

BEER DRINKERS get more head.

BICYCLISTS do it with 10 speeds.

BOOKKEEPERS do it with double entry.

BOSSES delegate the task to others.

BOWLERS have bigger balls.

BRICKLAYERS lay all day.

BRIDGE PLAYERS try to get a rubber.

BUS DRIVERS come early and pull out on time.

BUTCHERS have better meat.

C'Bers do it on the air.

CAMPERS do it in a tent.

CARPENTERS hammer it harder.

CARPET LAYERS do it on the floor.

CHEERLEADERS do it with more enthusiasm.

CHEMISTS like to experiment.

CHESS PLAYERS check their mates.

CHIROPRACTORS do it by manipulation.

CLOCK MAKERS do it mechanically.

CLOWNS do it for laughs.

COACHES whistle while they work.

COBOL PROGRAMMERS do it with bugs.

COCKTAIL WAITRESSES serve highballs.

COMPUTER GAME PLAYERS just can't stop.

COMPUTER OPERATORS get the most out of their software.

CONSTRUCTION WORKERS lay a better foundation.

CONSULTANTS tell other how to do it.

COPS have bigger guns.

COWBOYS handle anything horny.

COWGIRLS like to ride bareback.

CRANE OPERATORS have swinging balls.

CREDIT MANAGERS always collect.

DANCERS do it in leaps and bounds.

DEADHEADS do it with Jerry.

DEER HUNTERS will do anything for a buck.

DENTAL HYGIENISTS do it till it hurts.

DENTISTS do it in your mouth.

DETECTIVES do it under cover.

DIETICIANS eat better.

DIRECT MAILERS get it in the sack.

DIVERS do it deeper.

DOCTORS do it with patience.

DRUGGISTS fill your prescription.

DRUMMERS do it in 4/4 time.

DRY WALLER'S are better bangers.

ELECTRICIANS check your shorts.

ENGINEERS charge by the hour.

EXECUTIVES have large staffs.

FARMERS spread it around.

FIREMEN are always in heat.

FISHERMEN are proud of their rods.

FOOTBALL PLAYERS are measured by the yard.

FOUR-WHEELERS eat more bush.

FURRIERS appreciate good beaver.

GARBAGE MEN come once a week.

GARDENERS have 50 foot hoses.

GAS STATION ATTENDANTS pump all day.

GEOLOGISTS are great explorers.

GOLFERS do it in 18 holes.

GYMNASTS mount and dismount well.

HACKERS do it with fewer instructions.

HAIRDRESSERS give the best blow jobs.

HAM OPERATORS do it with frequency.

HANDYMEN like good screws.

HEWLETT PACKARD does it with precision.

HORSEBACK RIDERS stay in the saddle longer.

HUNTERS do it with a bang.

INSURANCE SALESMEN are premium lovers.

INTERIOR DECORATORS do it all over the house.

INVENTORS find a way.

JANITORS clean up afterwards.

JEWELERS mount real gems.

JOGGERS do it on the run.

LANDSCAPERS plant it deeper.

LAWYERS do it in their briefs.

LIBRARIANS do it quietly.

LOCKSMITHS can get into anything.

LONG DISTANCE RUNNERS last longer.

MACHINISTS make the best screws.

MAGICIANS are quicker than the eye.

MAINTENANCE MEN sweep 'em off their feet.

MANAGERS supervise others.

MARKETING REPs do it on commission.

MILKMEN deliver twice a week.

MILLIONAIRES pay to have it done.

MINERS sink deeper shafts.

MINISTERS do it on Sundays.

MISSILE MEN have better thrust.

MODELS do it in any position.

MODEM MANUFACTURERS do it with all sorts of characters.

MOTORCYCLISTS like something hot between their legs.

MOVIE STARS do it on film.

MUSICIANS do it with rhythm.

NONSMOKERS do it without huffing and puffing.

NURSES call the shots.

OCEANOGRAPHERS do it down under.

OPERATORS do it person-to-person.

OPTOMETRISTS do it face-to-face.

PAINTERS do it with longer strokes.

PARAMEDICS PHOTOGRAPHERS do it with a flash.

PHYSICISTS do it with uniform harmonic motion.

PILOTS keep it up longer.

PLUMBERS do it under the sink.

POLICEMEN like big busts.

POLITICIANS do it for 4 years then have to get re-erected.

POSTMEN come slower.

PRINTERS do it without wrinkling the sheets.

PRINTERS reproduce the fastest.

PROCTOLOGISTS do it in the end.

PROFESSORS do it by the book.

RACERS like to come in first.

RACQUETBALL PLAYERS do it off the wall..

RADIO and TV ANNOUNCERS broadcast it.

REAL ESTATE PEOPLE know all the prime spots.

RECYCLERS use it again.

REPAIRMEN can fix anything.

REPORTERS do it daily.

RESEARCHERS are still looking for it.

RETAILERS move their merchandise.

ROOFERS do it on top.

RUNNERS get into more pants.

SAILORS like to be blown.

SALESPEOPLE have away with their tongues.

SCIENTISTS discovered it.

SECRETARIES do it from 9 to 5.

SKYDIVERS are good till the last drop.

SOCCER PLAYERS have leather balls.

SPEECH PATHOLOGISTS are oral specialists.

SPELUNKERS do it underground.

SPORTSCASTERS like an instant replay.

STEWARDESSES do it in the air.

STUDENTS use their heads.

SURGEONS are smooth operators.

TAILORS make it fit.

TAXI DRIVERS do it all over town.

TAXIDERMISTS mount anything.

TELEPHONE CO. EMPLOYEES let their fingers do the walking.

TELLERS can handle all deposits and withdrawals.

TENNIS PLAYERS have fuzzy balls.

TRUCK DRIVERS have bigger dipsticks.

TRUCKERS carry bigger loads.

TYPISTS do it in triplicate.

VETERINARIANS are pussy lovers.

VOLLEYBALL PLAYERS keep it up.

WAITRESSES serve it piping hot.

WATER SKIERS come down harder.

WELDERS have hotter rods.

WRESTLERS know the best holds.

WRITERS have novel ways.

ZOOLOGISTS do it with animal instinct.
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PostSubject: Re: Enter Here to Laugh Your Ass Off!!   Sat 23 May 2009, 9:37 am

awesome nina.

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PostSubject: Re: Enter Here to Laugh Your Ass Off!!   Tue 26 May 2009, 8:50 am

Very funny Nina..............

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PostSubject: Re: Enter Here to Laugh Your Ass Off!!   Tue 26 May 2009, 9:41 am

The IRS has imposed tax on sex: Kissing-10%, Hug-20%, Groping-30%, Foreplay-50%, Fucking-90%, and for you? Don't worry! Masturbation is still free!
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PostSubject: Re: Enter Here to Laugh Your Ass Off!!   Tue 26 May 2009, 9:42 am

Vodka-19.99, Motel room-24.99, Condoms-2.99....Finding out she swallows and loves it in the ass? Priceless! Fuck mastercard, it pays to Discover! hehe
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PostSubject: Re: Enter Here to Laugh Your Ass Off!!   Tue 26 May 2009, 9:43 am

A boy found a condom in the trash and said mom whats this? The mom said its a twinky, boy said good cause i licked the cream out!
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PostSubject: Re: Enter Here to Laugh Your Ass Off!!   Tue 26 May 2009, 9:44 am

Elephant asks a camel, "Why are your tits on your back?" Camel said, "Ain't that some shit, coming from a fucker with a limp dick on his face"!
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PostSubject: Re: Enter Here to Laugh Your Ass Off!!   Tue 26 May 2009, 9:44 am

Sex is good, Sex is fine. Doggy style or 69. Just for fun or getting paid. Eveyone likes getting laid!
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PostSubject: Re: Enter Here to Laugh Your Ass Off!!   Tue 26 May 2009, 9:45 am

*SEX CAKE RECIPE*
-Spread legs, insert firm banana, beat till creamy. cake is done when banana is soft.
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PostSubject: Re: Enter Here to Laugh Your Ass Off!!   Wed 27 May 2009, 2:43 am

women are like KFC once you get past the tender breast, the juicy thigh, all that left is a greasy box to stick yer bone in
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PostSubject: Re: Enter Here to Laugh Your Ass Off!!   Wed 27 May 2009, 8:07 am

LOLOLOLOL

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For the guy that didnt finish in first place!!!LMHHAO "Say's Idiot!"
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PostSubject: Re: Enter Here to Laugh Your Ass Off!!   Wed 27 May 2009, 9:20 am

SEX.....at 18 you want it, at 28 you love it, at 38 you beg for it, at 48 you pay for it, at 58 you pray for it. Lesson for today.....fuck while you can!
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PostSubject: Re: Enter Here to Laugh Your Ass Off!!   Wed 27 May 2009, 9:20 am

What's the meanest trick you can play on your buddies???.......Take the light bulb out of the bathroom and leave the plunger in the toilet Twisted Evil
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PostSubject: Re: Enter Here to Laugh Your Ass Off!!   Fri 05 Jun 2009, 1:42 am

Wow Kahnedom

great job .... LMAO.... very funny... keep it up
Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: Enter Here to Laugh Your Ass Off!!   Fri 05 Jun 2009, 4:40 pm

Man comes home late and sneaks in 2 give his wife oral sex. when hes done he goes 2 the bathroom and finds his wife. she goes SHHHH ur moms in our bed asleep!
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PostSubject: Re: Enter Here to Laugh Your Ass Off!!   Fri 05 Jun 2009, 4:40 pm

Shut the door, take off your pants, climb on top of me, and SATISFY your needs!!!...Love, the toilet.
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